im not myself

im losing myself. Literally, forgetting who am i. but how could i explain ? How could i explain to you or to anyone who is not me. Who has never experience bad day at work? i bet everyone does. How could i explain the mind-numbing, soul-deadening feeling of answering phone calls second after second, minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month? No, i could never fully explain what it is like either, which was why i'd stopped trying to communicate with my colleagues. I have no one else to pick at because colleagues are the only people around me at work. I'd lost interest to initiate conversation. I got annoyed when i heard their voices. I don't feel like talking to them at all. I'd stopped whining as well because what could they say that i hadn't heard? It was always the same old story : 'Hang in there, something better will come your way.' or ' what to do, that's work' or 'everything will be fine soon, just hold on a little longer' or 'you are doing good, keep your spirits up' . But i wasn't - im not doing good. I didnt want to hear it anymore. They meant well, i knew. But they couldn't possibly understand how i felt . I'd held on for as long as i could. I'd held on during lunch to finish up. I did.But nothing had changed.

Except me. I was changing. I let the devil take charge of me. Faking all the smiles, cursing everyone deep inside me. Losing all the serenity, letting the ill-tempered me out. i want all this to stop. i want myself back. A girl friend once told me that she think im the most patience person she ever met. A guy friend once told me that im very attractive especially when im so polite. Now im not the person they once talked to. Work had jarred my soul - pins and needles at first and now its spears and swords. I need to get out before i go crazy. I want all that back !